There it goes again. That heavy feeling in your chest when you don't feel any desire to speak or move. All you want to do is close your eyes and sleep, because the process of being broken is incredibly exhausting. You attempt your best to make your days fulfilling, but no matter how hard you try you can't seem to connect to anyone or anything. 

You've got your share of secrets and I'm tired of being last to know. And now you're asking me to listen 'cause it's worked each time before. You're not sorry.

You walked away from me. You just left me standing there, on my own. I showed you the real me and you did nothing. I gave you my heart and you broke it in pieces. So don't ask me if I'm okay, because honestly, you know I'm not.

I’m not going to  beg you to stay. I’m not going to ask you what’s wrong. There is no reason to run after something already gone.

I realize that overall, you weren't really worth it. There were moments with you that made me really happy, but majority of the time you just shut me out. That's why this time I swear I'll try to get over you. We might've had something really great, but I guess we'll never know. I'll never forget the good times with you, but i'll also never forget how you hurt me more than any other boy has.

Risk more than others think is safe. Care more than others think is wise. Dream more than others
think is practical. Expect more than others think is possible.
-Claude Bissell


It's sad when you realize how often we wait too long for the things that are never going to come.

Sometimes I see reasons aren't really reasons. Sometimes they're just stupid, nonsense, never ending excuses.

I miss your smile. I miss the way you would always hug me a little too tight. I miss your stubbornness. I miss your laugh. I miss the way you always listened. I miss the way your eyes would shine when they met mine. I gave it all for you. Everything I had, I gave. Never have I been so vunerable. Never have I been so broken. And my heart still hearts when I think about the day you turned and walked away from me. You promised you’d never leave me but look where we are now.

   
    

Not a Mother day

Every year on today I am filled with mixed emotions. I am thankful that I have so many wonderful mothers in my life. So many women who shaped and molded me into who I am. For that I am glad. But today I am also reminded that I am not a mom. I do not have a child. Of all the goals I make for myself, this is probably the one left unaccomplished  that most disappoints me . It makes me sad that I cannot do this one thing my body is designed to do. It hurts that I am not even thought of on this day. It is so selfish of me to feel this way, but I should be a mom! I never got to deliver a baby, change their diaper, feed them, wash them, hold them, care for them. And because of that I am not a mom. I guess all I want is not to be celebrated on this one day, but to be taken for granted the other 364 days a year while I care for the love of my life. I want to be a mom. I want it so bad it hurts. So to all the moms out there, Happy Mother's Day. Cherish what you have and know how very lucky you are to have the one thing I would give anything for.

spirit

People talk about breaking a horse. When training them, taking away the spark inside that allows them the passion to fight against the trainer. It is a hard process. Bit can a person be "broken" the way a horse can? And can they choose to "break" theirself? Can they choose to put out their own spark? Can they extinguish their own passion? How do you shut that off and just be? So many people have spoken of my drive, my spark, my passion. But it seems to me to be a hindrance. I wish to stop CARING. I want to be complacent. I want to be neutral. I wish for myself not to have an internal drive telling me what I want, what makes life worth living, or what is right. I want to figure out how to put out my fire.

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conflict

In life conflict exists. Both conflict with tue outside world and conflict within ourselves. Holding on to something and fighting with yourself to decide if its right. When is it time to be done? To let go? When do you listen to your heart and when do you give in to logic. Maybe marklee had it right when he said logic should win over. But how do you know? How do you decide.

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Working hard on not trying so hard

So I'm working hard to let go of things and just be. I think I'm doing pretty good. But then again that's me. I'm going to just let things happen. I will allow myself 150 days from today. I am giving myself a limit. And this is it. I will let go. I will just be. For the next 150 I will not push, ask, or bother. I will just be. I feel I have to give myself a limit on this, for I fear if I don't I won't be true to myself.  So 150 days to see if things improve. If they don't, I will hold myself to this written public promise to me.

love

Love is not some super amazing power you stumble on randomly in the world. Love is not what the big time movie producers want you to believe. It is not this overwhelming feeling you wake up with every morning that makes everything okay. Love is work. Hard work. Love is waking up everyday and doing for the "us". Love is not giving up because things get a little rough. Love is not giving the other person everything but wishing you could. Love is not diamonds or flowers. It is a warm embrace and a place to fall apart after a hard day. It is a touch unnoticed by the outside world that says "I'm right here. Don't be afraid" Love is knowing someone has flaws and wanting to be with them anyway. Love is a choice you make everyday.

suicide

So here is my question : do all people who commit suicide really want to die? Is there a pssibility that some people have suicidal thoughts but no desire to die? Is it possible that they hear these thoughts and know that something is wrong? What if they want to say something? What if they did? Society has become so used to the whole "they just want attention" thought process. If someone with these thoughts shared them with someone but made it clear that they don't want to die, then would the person they shared this with not just think they wanted attention? They would just say, you have lots of reasons to live! You are dumb for wanting to die. You are crazy. You need to quit feeling sorry for yourself. Is that how it would go? Maybe that person knows there is no reason yo feel that way. Maybe they don't want to die. Maybe they don't intend on going through with it but don't know how to deal with the thoughts and feelings of great hopelessness. Maybe they just don't know what to do. Maybe people who feel this way and end up committing suicide because they don't know how to reach out and ask for help controlling those thoughts. Maybe they feel as though they aren't even controling themselves anymore. Maybe that's how some people feel. Maybe.

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