suicide

So here is my question : do all people who commit suicide really want to die? Is there a pssibility that some people have suicidal thoughts but no desire to die? Is it possible that they hear these thoughts and know that something is wrong? What if they want to say something? What if they did? Society has become so used to the whole "they just want attention" thought process. If someone with these thoughts shared them with someone but made it clear that they don't want to die, then would the person they shared this with not just think they wanted attention? They would just say, you have lots of reasons to live! You are dumb for wanting to die. You are crazy. You need to quit feeling sorry for yourself. Is that how it would go? Maybe that person knows there is no reason yo feel that way. Maybe they don't want to die. Maybe they don't intend on going through with it but don't know how to deal with the thoughts and feelings of great hopelessness. Maybe they just don't know what to do. Maybe people who feel this way and end up committing suicide because they don't know how to reach out and ask for help controlling those thoughts. Maybe they feel as though they aren't even controling themselves anymore. Maybe that's how some people feel. Maybe.

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just curious

So I'm curious as to what is about me that puts people off. What about me makes people not like me? I am an outgoing person. I try to be nice. I am not an obnoxious brat, ar least I don't think I am. I don't understand how this clear separation happens. Am I really that annoying that you choose to not even acknowledge my presence for an entire shift?

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grey hair, getting old, and falling out windows

"she got old! her hair was grey and she fell out the window!!!" I am getting old. My hair is turning grey. But right now, I'm wondering if I, too, am going to fall out a window.  My life has changed so drastically in 2010. I've moved twice now, working on the third move. My wedding was unexpectedly cancelled. I've changed jobs. Moved more than 50 miles away from the place I have been for the last five years. And I've changed. Will I fall out of the figurative window? Has my "self" been lost? Am I really questioning all that I have known my whole life?

I've begun to wonder over the last months, what do I really want? How much of "me" is really ME and how much is trying to be who I thought I was supposed to be?

Most recently, do I even want kids? I mean, I love kids (but not in a creepy way). But do I want my own children? Do I want to have to find a sitter because I want an hour of adult time? Do I want to run around singing themesongs to children's shows? Do I want to make words like "potty" "foof" and "blankie" permanent parts of my vocabulary? I don't know. I don't know at all. I mean really, what difference would it make? I already have a pack and play set up in my livingroom. I have sippy cups in my cupboard, foofs in a basket on my kitchen counter, car seats have taken over my backseat, and I have a pack of wipes on my bedside table. My house, and my life are littered with kid crap. If I stub my toe one more time on the baby gate when I walk into the kitchen, I may throw it out the window. But I don't have kids. I'm an aunt. I have kids when I want to. I get to do fun things like watch movies, jump on the couch, eat ice cream, and stay up late. And I love it! But what about everyday? I can't remember to feed myself sometimes! I love my sleep! Just ask anyone what happens if you wake me up before I'm ready! Kids mean no more just going when I want to go. There's the whole nap thing, did they have one? Will they need one in the middle of whatever it is I'm going to do? Then the whole feeding them thing. If I have kids I want to do it right, and Macdonald's everyday is not right. And what about bedtime? Sometimes I drive home at 2 or 3 in the morning! Kids need routine! Consistency! Time! Patience! None of which I possess right now.

And what about marriage!? Is it really something I want? or did I just think I wanted it because I was supposed to? I was raised to believe you grow up, get married, have kids, raise them, send them off and then grow old. Do NOT veer off of this path. THIS is LIFE.  Well what if it's not? Who says it has to be that? And why do I think I want to get married? Because if I'm married, then he won't leave? SAYS WHO!?? FYI, I grew up with a single mom!  My mom followed the plan. She went to college, became a nurse, got married, had 3 kids, and got a divorce! IT HAPPENS!! Marriage means NOTHING! Not anymore. Not now that you just pay a couple thousand dollars to have some judge to say "you promised forever. I can undo that for you!" and it's over?! Is that what I want!?

My hair is already turning grey, though I disguise that with my little friend color in a box. I turned 25 this year, and I'm not getting any younger. And I'm worried that I'm going to fall out the window! I'm going to get old, waiting to live!

Giving in is not giving up

Okay, so today I made a realization that giving in to reality is not giving up. I've been trying to help people for a very long time, and while I may not always succeed, I always do my best. No one has all of the answers. No one knows everything. No one always knows the right thing to do, and for different people and situations, sometimes the right thing is different. I have never purposely done anything to sabotage helping people. But lately I've come to realize that you can't help  those who don't want to be helped. I've found that while my intentions are pure, I may not always do the "right" thing. And as I stated earlier, not everyone agrees on what the "right" thing is. After pouring my heart and soul into helping one particular person lately, I, sadly, came to the realization that I can't. I can't do anything for that person, because she doesn't want my help. And no one around her wants my help either. But I am comforted by the fact that I'm not giving up. I'm giving in to reality. I will put my efforts into something I can do.  I'm going to take the foster parent certification courses, and I'm going to help someone I can help. I'm going to love someone who will let me. I am going to make a difference in someone's life, even if I can't make a difference in EVERYONE'S life. If I can help just ONE child, I can make a difference.

Warp Speed Overload

Has your brain ever been so full of thoughts, worries, or dreams that it feels like there should be buzzers and lights going off to warn of the oncoming overload? Sometimes I feel that my brain is so full of everything, moving at warp speeds, that I cannot begin to sort it all out. When I get into what I call "Warp Speed Overdrive". It's as though there are 500 people in the room screaming at me. I cannot make sense of it all. I feel like I want to just rip my hair out, and tell the whole world, as well as my brain, to quiet down and allow me one moment of peace to pull myself together. I've always found writing to be a weapon against everything in my head. So this will be my newest artillery. This will be my saving grace. I may not always be nice. At times I may seem completely insane. But this, this place, will grant me sanity, serenity, and peace at last. So this is my place. It is my place to dump everything in my head, so that maybe, for a moment, I can think clearly.