grey hair, getting old, and falling out windows

"she got old! her hair was grey and she fell out the window!!!" I am getting old. My hair is turning grey. But right now, I'm wondering if I, too, am going to fall out a window.  My life has changed so drastically in 2010. I've moved twice now, working on the third move. My wedding was unexpectedly cancelled. I've changed jobs. Moved more than 50 miles away from the place I have been for the last five years. And I've changed. Will I fall out of the figurative window? Has my "self" been lost? Am I really questioning all that I have known my whole life?

I've begun to wonder over the last months, what do I really want? How much of "me" is really ME and how much is trying to be who I thought I was supposed to be?

Most recently, do I even want kids? I mean, I love kids (but not in a creepy way). But do I want my own children? Do I want to have to find a sitter because I want an hour of adult time? Do I want to run around singing themesongs to children's shows? Do I want to make words like "potty" "foof" and "blankie" permanent parts of my vocabulary? I don't know. I don't know at all. I mean really, what difference would it make? I already have a pack and play set up in my livingroom. I have sippy cups in my cupboard, foofs in a basket on my kitchen counter, car seats have taken over my backseat, and I have a pack of wipes on my bedside table. My house, and my life are littered with kid crap. If I stub my toe one more time on the baby gate when I walk into the kitchen, I may throw it out the window. But I don't have kids. I'm an aunt. I have kids when I want to. I get to do fun things like watch movies, jump on the couch, eat ice cream, and stay up late. And I love it! But what about everyday? I can't remember to feed myself sometimes! I love my sleep! Just ask anyone what happens if you wake me up before I'm ready! Kids mean no more just going when I want to go. There's the whole nap thing, did they have one? Will they need one in the middle of whatever it is I'm going to do? Then the whole feeding them thing. If I have kids I want to do it right, and Macdonald's everyday is not right. And what about bedtime? Sometimes I drive home at 2 or 3 in the morning! Kids need routine! Consistency! Time! Patience! None of which I possess right now.

And what about marriage!? Is it really something I want? or did I just think I wanted it because I was supposed to? I was raised to believe you grow up, get married, have kids, raise them, send them off and then grow old. Do NOT veer off of this path. THIS is LIFE.  Well what if it's not? Who says it has to be that? And why do I think I want to get married? Because if I'm married, then he won't leave? SAYS WHO!?? FYI, I grew up with a single mom!  My mom followed the plan. She went to college, became a nurse, got married, had 3 kids, and got a divorce! IT HAPPENS!! Marriage means NOTHING! Not anymore. Not now that you just pay a couple thousand dollars to have some judge to say "you promised forever. I can undo that for you!" and it's over?! Is that what I want!?

My hair is already turning grey, though I disguise that with my little friend color in a box. I turned 25 this year, and I'm not getting any younger. And I'm worried that I'm going to fall out the window! I'm going to get old, waiting to live!